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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What if....

Two days ago I realized my worst fear.

I thought what would happen if I after placing my first child was not able to get have another baby.

This thought terrifies me. More than pretty much everything. It kills me inside to think about it. For me it just doesn't seem fair. I know that is extremely selfish thinking but its a serious and honest thought.

It seems weird to worry about it because so many of my favorite people are the adoptive couples in the world. They either lost their ability to or have not ever been able to have a baby naturally.
They are still very strong amazing people with beautiful families through the thing that I fight so hard to advocate every day I am awake.

So then I get to thinking, "What if it gets to that point? What if I am put in that situation?" Naturally I should say without hesitation, I will adopt. But for some reason there is that little thing in my head that keeps saying " No, that isn't what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to have kids. Not adopt. "

Oh the frustration and turmoil I experience when I get all these thoughts in my head! Thank goodness for this blog! Thank Goodness! Sometimes it helps to write out your thoughts to get them out of my head.

I publish this article because I want to know...
Am I the only one who has had these thoughts? Has anyone else gone through the same thing back and forth in their head?

I would appreciate everyone's comments!
Jessa

13 comments:

Poohter said...

One of my sons birthmoms will most likely never be able to have any more biological children. We adopted him through DCFS. He is her only child. I so worry for her and her feelings about this very subject. We have talked some about it. I don't think its an irrational fear. It happens. I am sure it is fairly rare. Know you are loved!

Meg and Ken said...

YOU are a woman! And wanting to have another baby is completley NORMAL!! Woman are supposed to have babies, that is why infertility is so hard. When you can't it doesn't seem normal or natural. I always knew I would adopt if I couldn't get pregnant, I even wanted to if I did have children naturally but....it didn't stop me from trying for 6 years. Yes, you will adopt if you need to, but don't lose faith yet and keep trying ;)!! I have to say I have thought about this too in regards to our son's birthmom, I pray to God she is able to go on and have tons of kids in the future. Glad you got your feelings out, we are here to listen and I do understand and there is nothing wrong with wanting more children naturally :) HUGS

Brit O'Connor said...

I have this fear every month that I end up not pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for six months now (which I know isn't even very long) and nothing has happened. It scares me because last time I got pregnant the FIRST time.

It's definitely a normal fear I think. Hopefully it will all work out for all of us and we can have lots of beautiful babies! :)

Shaw Family said...

Jessa I'm pretty sure you know the struggles I've had with this. I too had the same fear after I placed Ally. And yet at the same time I had a feeling that it would be hard for me to get pregnant again. After 2 miscarriages in my current marriage I went to a dr only to be told that my chances of ever carrying a baby full term are slim to none, about 5%. I was angry, no I was FURIOUS that Heavenly father would put me in place where all I wanted to be a mother and I felt like I had given that one chance away. There was a time where I didn't want to think about kids. I didn't play with my son much, didn't talk to him, didn't even really look at him because the thought made me sick. I had this little boy that I was in the process of adopting but I felt like I couldn't love him anymore. I then realized that Heavenly father wouldn't put anything in my path that was too much for me. He wouldn't dish out what I couldn't take. I now have a greater appreciation for my son (who is adopted) and for Ally and her family. And yes miracles happen because I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant.... farther along than the dr ever thought I would get again!!!!

Maryann said...

I felt that way too after I placed my baby. I was worried I wouldn't be able to have another baby - or maybe I would never have another daughter.
I was able to have 2 more daughters, but the second came after 2 years of fertility treatments, and now it has been six years we have been trying to get pregnant to add one more child to our family - so far without luck.
We have considered adoption and my feelings are mixed.... I know the miracle of it and believe it is God's work, but I also know the hard road of a birth mom and I don't want someone else to experience that for me.
I also worry the daughter I placed may wonder why I would place her and then adopt someone else's child....
Is that a crazy thing to consider? I don't know, but I worry about her feelings too.

* ButterflyChik* said...

Hey Hey,
I stumbled over your blog today and I just had to tell you I'm enjoying your blog. Your awesome. I became a follower and I'm looking forward to keeping up and leaving comments. I hope you will check out both of my blog, and become a follower of both. One blog is my everyday, life blog, and the other is my infertility blog. I have buttons, and I'd like to add you to my blog roll. I hope you have a lovely weekend. God Bless You and Yours.

http://diaryofhappilyeverafter.blogspot.com/

http://ourjourneythrufaith.blogspot.com/ Infertility Blog

Love,
Jess

* ButterflyChik* said...

Hey Hey,
I stumbled over your blog today and I just had to tell you I'm enjoying your blog. Your awesome. I became a follower and I'm looking forward to keeping up and leaving comments. I hope you will check out both of my blog, and become a follower of both. One blog is my everyday, life blog, and the other is my infertility blog. I have buttons, and I'd like to add you to my blog roll. I hope you have a lovely weekend. God Bless You and Yours.

http://diaryofhappilyeverafter.blogspot.com/

Infertility Blog :

http://ourjourneythrufaith.blogspot.com/

Love,
Jess

Sean and Sierra said...

I had the same fear after placing. I really think all birth mothers do. When my husband and I got married, we waited a year, then tried to concieve. We got pregnant right away! YAY! Then I lost that baby at 11 weeks. After some time for healing, we tried again and it took us a while. I got pregnant again, and lost that one as well. At first I was confused at what Heavenly Father wanted for me and my husband. I wanted my own baby so bad. I had already tasted motherhood and I wanted to experience a pregnancy with my husband. I cried a lot. Not as much as when I placed, but I still cried a lot. I grieved at the fact that I may never carry my own children and the one I did carry was being raised by someone else. My hubby and I went on a much needed vacation, to Cancun, and I had the chance to meditate and ponder my thoughts alone. During these times I had alone, through a lot of tears, heartache and prayer, I finally let Heavenly Father know that I would accept however He wanted my children to come to me, even if it meant adopting. I was finally ok with it. I let me husband know and he agreed. Well, we never got the chance to do anything with adoption, because I ended up getting pregnant on that trip to Cancun! I'm now 27 weeks along. I don't know if Heavenly Father was waiting for me to put my whole faith in Him or not, but now that I know that I'm ok with adopting, even after I have my baby now, everything seems like it's falling into place.

Sorry this was so long.....but again..you are not alone. I really think this is something that all birth mothers go through. *hugs*

Amalaa said...

defiantly not alone....its one of my biggest fears too. And on top of that I worry that by the time I get married and wait a few years that it will be harder to conceive. I always thought I'd wait 5 years to have kids, to really get to know my husband and spend some years while we are young to have the time of our lives without worrying about our children. So as of right now, if my boyfriend and I get married tonight, that will put me at 30 by my plans and that makes me think of the slow descent into infertility just because of age...

and all of this fear by someone who up until she found out she was preggo, she never wanted to give birth! The pain always made me cringe and say that I will adopt my children when I'm ready to have kids....

Karine said...

just wanted to let you know that I have put your blog down on my blog as one of my favorites to read :) hope that was ok :)
love ya

Sassy Christian Momma said...

when our daughter's birth mother got married- her husband said he didn't want and kids and " you screwed up by giving your only kid to other people. You should get her back" For 2 months we heard from her family of her plans and ideas and fears of what she could do. We prayed that she would be comforted and LOVED and stop those bitter feelings. SHe could afterall concieve still. She just married a guy who wasn't ready to parent and didn't want any kids. 4 months after that- She got pregnant. Her marriage is rocky still and she had a little boy (which i got to see be delivered) and she still doesn't regret placing. She does regret wanting to get Brielle back. She told us- she was just mad at the world and her husband and that She knew B was where she is supposed to be! Time heals and trusting that GOD knows more than we do about our own strengths. Hopefully, this too shall pass:)

lucy said...

As a birthgrandmother, I feel the same thing. I have a daughter who claims to not want children, and a daughter who made an adoption plan. I miss my grandson daily, and I too worry. What if I have no other grandbabies to spoil? It is so hard for me not to be able to spoil the one I have. Absolutely your fear is not ridiculous.

Bean Sprouts said...

You are not the only one! I felt that way for years....and then I got pregnant with my son, and having him really helped heal my heart over my adoption. Not because he replaced my daughter, but because he calmed that fear that I would never be able to get pregnant again.....now I worry that I will never have another little girl....let's hope my next one proves that wrong!

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