Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My life as an infertile birthmom...or something like that..

hi. my name is jessa. im a birthmom and im struggling with making a baby.

all of this story is personal. some of it too personal to share. this is not going to be sugar coated goodness it will be the whole truth and nothing but the truth of how i feel because im allowed to do that. (also i am too lazy to make sure i capitalize everything so eat your heart out mrs r)

so. i got married in may 2010. to the most wonderful man in the whole wide world. no seriously...he really is amazing. he treats me with respect and would literally do anything for me. our love is strong and our relationship is rock solid. 

in october ish of 2010 i found out i was pregnant....way to go pill. shortly after we found out...i mis-carried. i was upset. i was mad. he was mad. we got all excited for nothing. how the heck did i have a healthy baby just 2 years ago and now nothing...what the whaaaa?? okay the more i thought about it i got furious...well after two weeks of that i calmed down. i just thought , "alrite, next time, everything will be okay."

last week i found out i was pregnant again....way to go patch (starting to think im immune to birth control at this point.) i took a hpt right before church and the glorious stick was positive. we were shocked, yet excited and happy. woot!! for sure it was going to work out this time. we found out we were prego on sunday. friday i was taking someones engagement pics and i started bleeding. went to the emergency room bawling , i was told i had a complete miscarriage and to come home. cue angry feelings again. then sunday and monday i was bleeding even more!! monday at 5 am the pain was sooo bad it woke me up. i dragged my wonderfully patient hubby back to the e.r. the doctors did an ultrasound and what did they see. my insides were tangled and mangled. okay...no i was getting really mad. honestly heavenly father? really? didn't i do my hard thing already? needless to say a few hours later i was waking up from anesthesia and i was minus a fallopian tube. 

go team jessa.

so there i sat in the hospital room. minus 2 babies. sitting, crying with my husband what iffing everything i had done that week. (i.e. heavy lifting, exercising, eating too many thin mints.) 

a couple more hours passed and my birthdaughters adoptive mom calls to find out if i still want them to come visit as we had planned. i thought about it for minute...and thought well duh?!?

thinking about this more here is what i have come to a conclusion... (i know long pointless story...short dumb conclusion)

even though i am going through baby making problems, i don't regret my placing josie for adoption. even if i can never have a baby ever again (which seriously please don't test me on this lol) i will never regret my decision to place. she is where she needs to be. i will stand by that choice forever. and ever. and ever. adoption was the best choice for her life!!

i will never hate adoption or blame it for any of my problems. i wouldn't even be married to the fantastic man i am today without my adoption experience. i would be making all the wrong choices, hanging with all the same wrong people, and doing a whole lot of nothing. infertility aint got nothing on the wonderful world of adoption.


A Life Being Lived said...

Oh Jessa!!!!!!! My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your losses, and the difficulty. You are such a strong mama and I am so happy that you have the husband and relationship you deserve. You do NOT deserve the trials you are going through right now, but as we birthmoms especially know, reasons aren't always clear and sometimes the hows and whys aren't revealed until much later. I myself was thinking about if I will be able to have kids in the future and wondering, if I could never have another child would I regret placing my daughter, and I came to the conclusion I don't and I never will. She is also in the right place. Thank you for being so brave in sharing this. I am sending you prayers and thoughts.

Cory and Becca said...

so so sorry for your struggle. :( xo

Not Just A Birth Mom said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I've been through a miscarriage, so I completely understand... I am so sorry you have had to go through it twice. All I can say is that eventually it does get better, just like it does with adoption. Hang in there, it'll be ok.

Devin said...

jessa! you really are one of my heroes! thanks so incredibly much for sharing. love you!!! *big hugs*

Unknown said...

I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this lately,all with a smile on your face still and not letting on to anyone that you were struggling! You are one pretty amazing woman...and no, you can never eat too many thin mints by the way :)! I sure do love you and wish you all the happiness in your life, you are such a great example to so many!!

clrnc101 said...

Jessa! Guess what? I love you. I'm so glad to see the strength you have. You really have been one of the women that I look up to the most. You've been through so much, yet you have incredible amounts of "awesomeness". Thank you so much, and I hope all works out; I know it will! :)
Love ya Jessa!

Jewls said...

You are AWESOME! I hope everything works out. If it's any help, our son's birthmom only has one fallopian tube, but she gets pregnant super easy...it's like it kicked into overdrive when the other one was taken out! lol

Maryann said...

Sorry Jessa.... sending happy thoughts your way!

birthMOM said...

from facebook:

Heal quickly, Jessa, both physically and spiritually. (hug)

Jessalynn Bills
oh why thnx megan!

Jessa I have a ton of respect for you. This brought tears to my eyes. Especially since I know this hurt. Too well. Keep your chin up is all I can say. You are doing the right things remembering all the great things you have now. Keep your chin up and live in the now. :) hugs!

I am so sorry that you are facing this challenge now! Seems unfair- but I'll be hoping and praying for you guys. Secondary infertility issues are not often discussed so I am glad you are talking about it. I hope it works out. Besides- fallopian tubes are over rated. ;) I hope you feel better soon.

Jessalynn Bills
ya...fallopian tubes...who needs em?? pfft

Amen ladies!

they're just like kidney's we got two but it only takes one. :)

You are in our prayers Jessa! I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you right now. Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do for you! Love ya hun! Hang in there!

Thank you for being so honest in your post Jessa. You are beautiful inside and out. Hang in there. Hugs.

Katelyn Krum Shaw said...

Jessa... after 1 tubal pregnancy and 2 miscarriages I completely understand your feelings of angry, frustration, and then peace about adoption. I too know that without a doubt my daughter is where she is meant to be. Over wondering if I'd ever have another child of my own I found my self pregnant again. You know the rest. I just love you to pieces!!!

James and Heather said...

Oh, sweet Jessa! My heart is hurting after reading this! My shoulder is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year - please don't hesitate to use it! I heart you!

Anonymous said...

Hon you hang in there. I have been through the whole miscarriage thing its just hard no way around that. I am so glad you have a wonderful and supportive husband by your side. We are all here for you and prayers going out for you and the hubby. Thanks for sharing

Kim said...

Oh Jessa! My heart is breaking for you! I hope and pray that all will work out for you and your dear husband. I know your heart is breaking. Please hang on to hope and know that your Heavenly Father loves you.

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