My life as an infertile birthmom...or something like that..

hi. my name is jessa. im a birthmom and im struggling with making a baby.

all of this story is personal. some of it too personal to share. this is not going to be sugar coated goodness it will be the whole truth and nothing but the truth of how i feel because im allowed to do that. (also i am too lazy to make sure i capitalize everything so eat your heart out mrs r)

so. i got married in may 2010. to the most wonderful man in the whole wide world. no seriously...he really is amazing. he treats me with respect and would literally do anything for me. our love is strong and our relationship is rock solid. 

in october ish of 2010 i found out i was pregnant....way to go pill. shortly after we found out...i mis-carried. i was upset. i was mad. he was mad. we got all excited for nothing. how the heck did i have a healthy baby just 2 years ago and now nothing...what the whaaaa?? okay the more i thought about it i got furious...well after two weeks of that i calmed down. i just thought , "alrite, next time, everything will be okay."

last week i found out i was pregnant again....way to go patch (starting to think im immune to birth control at this point.) i took a hpt right before church and the glorious stick was positive. we were shocked, yet excited and happy. woot!! for sure it was going to work out this time. we found out we were prego on sunday. friday i was taking someones engagement pics and i started bleeding. went to the emergency room bawling , i was told i had a complete miscarriage and to come home. cue angry feelings again. then sunday and monday i was bleeding even more!! monday at 5 am the pain was sooo bad it woke me up. i dragged my wonderfully patient hubby back to the e.r. the doctors did an ultrasound and what did they see. my insides were tangled and mangled. okay...no i was getting really mad. honestly heavenly father? really? didn't i do my hard thing already? needless to say a few hours later i was waking up from anesthesia and i was minus a fallopian tube. 

go team jessa.

so there i sat in the hospital room. minus 2 babies. sitting, crying with my husband what iffing everything i had done that week. (i.e. heavy lifting, exercising, eating too many thin mints.) 

a couple more hours passed and my birthdaughters adoptive mom calls to find out if i still want them to come visit as we had planned. i thought about it for minute...and thought well duh?!?

thinking about this more here is what i have come to a conclusion... (i know long pointless story...short dumb conclusion)

even though i am going through baby making problems, i don't regret my placing josie for adoption. even if i can never have a baby ever again (which seriously please don't test me on this lol) i will never regret my decision to place. she is where she needs to be. i will stand by that choice forever. and ever. and ever. adoption was the best choice for her life!!

i will never hate adoption or blame it for any of my problems. i wouldn't even be married to the fantastic man i am today without my adoption experience. i would be making all the wrong choices, hanging with all the same wrong people, and doing a whole lot of nothing. infertility aint got nothing on the wonderful world of adoption.