recently there was a hearty discussion or two in bloggy/fb land following an article about open adoption contracts and their enforceability in the salt lake tribune. you can google it, i dont need to link to it, as the comments on the article are abysmal and destructive towards adoption.
the article itself was pretty great and featured an interview with ours truly, JLBills.
however, jessa and i were sorely perturbed when we read some comments from adoptive mothers, some of whom we know personally, even bigger ouch factor , on the r house blog post regarding the salt lake tribune article.
jessa and i had our own lil convo via text about the whole debacle and that lead to the creation of this post. we both feel it is important to address this issue from OUR perspective.
have you ever noticed how AGAINST open adoption contracts many adoptive (and hopeful adoptive) mothers happen to be? shockingly, some of them that are the most against it, SAY they have healthy solid open adoption relationships with the birthparents of their children.
does this raise your eyebrows??
cuz it sure does cause ours to get a few inches higher on our foreheads.
we dont for a single second understand the concept of not being willing to commit to openness on a legal and binding piece of paper.
so heres a tidbit on how we feel about this whole open adoption contract 'debate'. raw and unfiltered no less. warning, you might not like this...
reading what these adoptive moms had to say left us pissed off, baffled, frustrated, shocked, ashamed to know them personally, heartbroken for their childrens birthparents, appalled, infuriated, and downright beaten down.
because the comments we read were laced with FEAR, entitlement, FEAR, insecurity, FEAR, infertility issues not dealt with, FEAR, authority, FEAR, more entitlement, FEAR, judgement, FEAR, lack of commitment, FEAR, unwillingness to communicate, FEAR, disregard for others, FEAR, lack of compassion, FEAR and lots of really ridiculously LAME EXCUSES - that centered around FEAR!
to think, that after ALL.THESE.YEARS, with so many resources out there at their finger tips, with so much positive advocacy, that so many adoptive parents are still SO AFRAID is beyond our comprehension. this fear factor you all have, that you all cling to, HAS.GOT.TO.END!
thanks, the birthmothers of the world.
since the comments jessa and i left on the r house blog were pretty much glossed over - one comment even said something along the lines of 'itd be nice to see a birthmom comment'... um hello. my screen name is birthMOM, how, pray tell, did you miss that one?! im going to repost them here on our blog.
we beg you to READ them.
they are full of IMPORTANT real.life.information.
July 30, 2012 at 3:29 am said on
*** by far the biggest joke we have come across in all our years of adoption involvement, of reading and trying to debunk endless adoption/birthmother myths, years of pouring our blood sweat and tears into open adoption advocacy... is the idea that having an open adoption contract would PREVENT the relationship from being able to evolve, PREVENT it from being open and personal and PREVENT it from being even more open than originally decided upon with said contract. ***
thats right people, you read correctly. that idea is a laughable JOKE to us!! and an insulting one at that.
please please we beg of you, on behalf of every single birthmother there ever was and ever will be, to please look inside the depths of your soul and do some serious self evaluation.
and when you get there, and if you happen to find a hint of admiration, trust and/or love for the birthmother(s) in your life, please go out of your way to do something nice to honor your commitment to openness.
and then encourage your entourage of adoption peeps to do the same.
thats all for now, but certainly not the end of this topic. it will get PERSONAL in future posts =)
sorry, but no comments will be accepted, do feel free to email us your thoughts, but dont bother trying to argue with our feelings on the matter.
Also, let the record be noted that mrs r has personally apologized to me for the comments left by her readers on her blog post. which is something i told her she didnt need to do.
ps. if you feel like anything said in this post was directed at you personally, then PLEASE email us, lets talk about it, so we can still be friends.