Josie Jeanne!

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Today is Josie's birthday.....her 4th birthday. I can't believe it. For some reason it makes me feel incredibly old that i have a {birth}child on this earth who is four years old. Then i remember...i gave birth at the ripe age of 19.

Today for me isn't a sad one. i'm going to eat cake (i will always take a good reason to eat cake), i am going to hopefully talk to Josie today or tomorrow. I will send her her {late} birthday present (i am really bad at sending things on time), and i will think of all those memories.

I remember waking up at around 5 ish...i think....and playing Ready To Rumble in my apartment with my best friend Aly. 

I remember sneaking some food at my mom's hotel before i had to go in...and i am soooooo glad i did because i was incredibly hungry. 

I remember being terrified and accepting the epidural early on and being super mad i did because then i couldn't walk for the 10 hours i was just sitting there.

I remember watching movies, talking to friends, and dreaming about a Fh'zookie. (if you ever come to logan, utah i highly suggest getting one)

I remember waiting. waiting. and waiting. 

I remember seeing her parents come and then feeling really anxious because i was nervous of how it would go. 

I remember the doctor telling me it was time to push. then pushing for a couple hours...yep you read that right HOURS.

I remember throwing up because i was pushing so hard.

I remember seeing her come out and thinking ...holy crap she has a TON of hair. 

I remember being so exhausted and weak that i couldn't even hold her. instead i experienced a beautiful moment of watching her parents hold her first standing right by my bed. 

i remember holding her for the first time the next day and just being in love with her cute face. 

I remember a lot from that day. but the thing i remember most, is knowing what i felt was right. When my caseworker called and told me she was coming ( i know y'all have heard this part before but it's important to me) i walked into the bathroom and i literally fell to the floor in physical and emotional pain. i sobbed. because this beautiful baby girl, that i was so in love with, she wasn't mine. She was her parents. She was here for them. I was her birthmommy. I knew i was going to be an important part of her life no matter what. my mom helped me out of the bathroom and i signed the papers. truthfully zoning them out because i didn't even want to hear it. i had heard them twice before. It helped me to remember her two sweet brothers meeting her for the first time and the look on their faces.

After signing papers, Aly came and helped me get her dressed in a beautiful cream dress and then take her over to LDSFS so i could place. I remember walking out of the hospital and seeing her parents with the social worker at the hospital and thinking....dangit i didn't want to see them yet. lol.

 We went to placement and it was a beautiful experience.

I am thrilled for Josie Jeanne. I love her personality and her face. She is so beautiful and has a loving heart.

I am thankful for my besties who helped me through it all.

Alyson. Josie's cousin and my best friend. I would die without her. literally curl up and die. I know that my Heavenly Father sent her into my life for a reason and that she is truthfully an Angel sent from heaven.

Eric. my other rock through my pregnancy. Helped me out a lot. was there for me emotionally when i needed it most. hugged me when i need it and shared his infinite wisdom.

my roommates. they dealt with my throwing up and endless emotions.

and so many more people!!!

Love you Josie! Love all my friends!!