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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

qUESTIONS are ANSWERED! Q #12


Answers from the lovely birthmothers:
Note – not every birthmother has answered every singlequestion, please match the fonts to know whose response you are reading!

if you would like to answers any of the questions please do so in the comment section and be sure to leave the number of the question that is being answered.

Stefanie     http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/
Megan  http://angryoctopusstudios.blogspot.com/
Alyssa       one of our guest bloggers
Anna      http://annamaryk.blogspot.com
Jennilee     one of our guest bloggers
Amanda     http://travisandamandarosemans.blogspot.com/
Nicole    http://lifeafterfirstmom.blogspot.com/
Kelsey    http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/
Shannon
Michelle
Andee      http://anabananandee.blogspot.com/
Britney
Janessa     http://scottandjanessa.blogspot.com/
Jennifer
Shanna    one of our blog author


12. How do you move forward when the parents of my child are?

Know that life goes on, birds still fly, the sky is still blue.  It may sound harsh but you have to move on with your life in order to fully appreciate it. It’s sad, but you will find things in your life that will be fulfilling, I can promise you that. I can promise that if you get past the initial hump of sadness and do things with your life it will be more fulfilling than you ever thought imagined.

It's difficult but I know that while you're grieving the adoptive couple are grieving as well. You might think that's not true because they didn't have to give up anything. But trust me. They gave up a long time ago. A dream of having their own children, babies that look like them, they were able to look past the fact that they can't get pregnant but want a child in their home to be a complete family. I think they grieve for the birth mom because of the sacrifice they made and they grieve because of their infertility. Bringing home a baby that isn't theirs just confirms to them that they can't get pregnant and have to put you through so much pain as they did.

Get involved in something. Go to school, find a job, travel, do SOMETHING! The more busy you are, the better it is for you. And don’t ever give up on your child. Even if you get married and have 15 kids of your own, never give up or forget your first child (I know you never think you will, but there are stranger things that have happened).

Moving forward is very hard. I had Bunny in the Spring, and was taking college in the summer. I moved close by to attend college, and to keep myself as busy as I could. Little did I know Birth Mom support groups in my area were being held for expecting mothers and even after placement. I wish I would have gone to it more after placement to help me move forward and grieve.

It is very difficult.  I think it helps to do something constructive with your time in regards to adoption in general.  It can help you to heal if you have a close circle of friends that have been through the same thing you have ie)group, or to do some type of service related to adoption or to find opportunities to serve in some capacity related to adoption.  Getting or staying involved really helps I think.  Another thing I would recommend is to keep a journal that you may someday give to your child about what you do to keep his memory alive.  I think that looking forward to a reunion some day you think you will tell your child I thought about you often or you were always in my thoughts, but it takes it a step further to affirm to that child what you actually did to keep them in your thoughts.  For example, whenever you have a conversation with someone about them to write about it, telling about putting together a keepsake of your memories of your time with your child, writing about going to a birthmother retreat, writing about anything you do to remind you of that child ie) wearing a significant piece of jewelry or anything like that.  Also, putting together a scrapbook or album paralleling your lives ie) when baby turned one you were doing_______, when baby turned two you were doing _______, so on and so forth.  I think it would mean a lot to them to know where you were in your life and what important things were happening to you each year as they got older and grew.

I am not sure I understand the question, but if you mean how did I learn to live my life without my child, I would just say I take it one day at a time.  Some days are worse than others, but that’s really all I can do is take it one day at a time.  The pain does get less and less though.  I am doing so much better now than I was a year ago. 

Moving forward is hard… counseling, talking to others, reading, etc are good… so are finding new things that you enjoy that have absolutely nothing to do with adoption.

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