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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

QUESTIONS are ANSWERED! Q #C


Answers from the lovely birthmothers:
Note – not every birthmother has answered every singlequestion, please match the fonts to know whose response you are reading!

if you would like to answers any of the questions please do so in the comment section and be sure to leave the number of the question that is being answered.

Stefanie     http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/
Megan  http://angryoctopusstudios.blogspot.com/
Alyssa       one of our guest bloggers
Anna      http://annamaryk.blogspot.com
Jennilee     one of our guest bloggers
Amanda     http://travisandamandarosemans.blogspot.com/
Nicole    http://lifeafterfirstmom.blogspot.com/
Kelsey    http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/
Shannon
Michelle
Andee      http://anabananandee.blogspot.com/
Britney
Janessa     http://scottandjanessa.blogspot.com/
Jennifer
Shanna    one of our blog author
C. how much is ok to express while finding, in a blog that a birth mother could be reading? Example.... longing, excitement... worries, all the feelings the adoptive parent is feeling while hoping to be chosen and in the finding stages? Should we say how we are feeling anywhere? To give them a sense of who we are? Or should we just do that privately?

I wouldn’t sound desperate, or express ownership of the child until it’s yours.  I hate it when Adoptive Couple rant and rave about having a child and taking ownership before they are even picked. I would just give lots of real information about yourself and just be fun!  I think that having blogs is a great idea, however I still would have chosen an adoptive couple through LDSFS.

You know what? I'm the type of person to just say it how it is. If you're afraid that a birth mother might not accept you because you have normal feelings, then she's not the birth mom for you. She is as vulnerable as you are during this whole process. She wants to feel like it's normal to have crazy hormonal emotions through the adoption. I think a birth mom is apart of your family if she can't accept you for your flaws then why should she see your perfection? That's what I think adoptive couples are, perfection, they're the perfect family that birth moms wish they could be. They wish they could be the family for the child they're carrying with a mom and a dad and be able to be financially stable. That's part of the sole reason why choose to place. And it'd be a little bit worried if you didn't express your longing for a child or worried that you'd never have a child.

Tell them as much as you can! The more they know about you, the more they will get to know you and the more comfortable they will feel about you being their child’s possible family. Tell them every emotion and every thought and longing. Tell them what you want to do with the child, where you’ll take him/her, what you’ll do with him/her. Will she get ballet lessons? Will he be able to play sports if he wants to? All that stuff – the dreams every parent has for their child and the emotions every parent has about their child – is what she wants to hear.

I would recommend honesty. It’s good to know you are real with emotions. The birth mom wants to know the real you not a fake. I say share as much as possible because she could choose you by what you say on a blog etc.

This is a personal preference, but because I have lived with the adoptive couple before placement, I was able to see their emotions all the time. I believe free and open communication, even when you don't feel like talking about your fears, etc. It helps build a bond and trust.

The technology today can be both a blessing and a hinderance. I would not broadcast your feelings about her, I would only talk about how you are feeling about the process. If she is reading she may feel comforted to know that you, as adoptive parents, have fears, joys, questions and uncertainty. Know that as nervous as you are about having to interview to be a parent, she is just as nervous about her inability to be a parent. It is not easy to face the fact that you are not able to raise your own child. In essance, a birth mother making the decision to place her child for adoption is a woman who is asking for help. Asking for this kind of help is not an easy thing to do by any means.

I feel for me the more open the better- for me I got to live with the a parents for a few months so it was better for me to really get to know them; do a parents really understand the magnitude that a birthmom is giving their child to them?


I think that talking about how excited you are is a HUGE plus.  I know I loved seeing my adoptive parents excitement.  I couldn’t get enough.  To know what I was giving to them.

As far as your worries…If it’s fears about your birthmother changing her mind, I would say not to do that.  If you’ve had birthmothers back out before, then you can mention that but that is probably where you should draw the line. 

I think it’s GREAT to have a blog where the birhtmom can get to know you, and talking about your pain through infertility is okay too.  I just think that talking about your worries, may be a bit too much. 

I would avoid spending too much time discussing any worries that might be seen as coercive (“I just don’t think we could handle losing this baby” and the like)… as the decision to place is not final until she has signed paperwork and comments like that are definitely ethical (and potentially legal) grey-area.  Expressions of joy, in my opinion, would be fine, as long as they are done respectfully.  While an expectant mom shouldn’t choose to place because of the joy she’s giving the PAPs, it’s a great thing to hold onto afterward.  I even e-mailed my son’s parents one time and said “I really need for you to tell me you’re excited about this.”  They are generally not very outwardly emotive people to begin with and they were trying to be respectful of my loss.

~I wouldn't put anything in a blog for birthmothers to read that your friends don't know.  I would address your reader with openness and willing to share details of your life.  So the birthmother will not feel like you might not share details down the road.

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