Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Pit of Self Pity

I have been talking a lot with birthMOM about birthmothers who struggle getting out of what I call "the pit of self pity" and all those wonderful conversations have led me to write this post.

When placing a child it can seem like the end of the world at first, like there is no coming out of it. I know it can be a struggle. There are times when you are walking through the day wondering how everyone is just walking by like there is nothing wrong and you just want to scream and ask everyone, "Don't you know what I have just been through? Don't you know how I feel?" These feelings are totally okay, for a short period of time. These feelings can become a danger when one becomes to wrapped up in it.

To many times we become wrapped up in these feelings of sadness or grieving and they become total and utter despair to the point where that is all you think about. This is not something you should want or let happen. I was in this place for 6 months after Josie was born. I would cry every night. I would skip school, church, hanging out with friends (one of the things I love the most), I would honestly and truly sit in my apartment all day long. Just thinking and stewing about it. I was in a terrible place these first 6 months. I was the most miserable I have ever been in my entire life. The sad part is .... I LET myself be that miserable. I REFUSED to come out of that place I was in. I was thinking about what made that happen:

  • I refused any solutions (i.e. journaling, going outside, making new friends, finding fun activities etc.) Whenever someone would suggest a solution I would find a reason why that didn't work. I would find ways to justify my sadness.
  • I took part in self destructive behaviors (i.e. Oversleeping, Overeating, Going from guy to guy.) I was looking for short term solutions that made me feel good temporarily rather than permanently
  • I didn't have something to keep my mind/body/emotions busy. I know that when I didn't have anything to do for a while I would just start thinking about how horrible it was. For 9 months I had focused solely on this sweet little baby and only her and that situation. Now that I didn't need to focus on that anymore I was lost on what to do with my time and energy. I needed a new hobby/passion/past-time etc to get me busy. (thank you blogger for creating this hobby/passion/past-time for me)

Overall I think birthmothers just get so wrapped up in themselves and their situation that they forget that this world is not all about them, its not all about what they do for themselves. I think in all honesty the best way to overcome this pit of self pity is to figure out what you can do for others. Help others. Do something for somebody else. There are countless more people who are a million times worse off then you are. Remember that there is a life after placement. There is a time when you will be at total and complete peace. Its a matter of when will you let yourself feel that peace. I love you all! Jessa

1 comment:

StefanieJinelle said...

I really like this post :) I knew I needed time to grieve that way and want to just tell everyone not to tell me about what is going wrong in their lives because my burden was so much greater. Which is wrong. We're taught that even though we don't think other people's burdens are that bad, it's bad to them. Even if we feel like ours is worse. I know I cried a lot. And I like to grieve by myself but since being pregnant and going to group, it was okay to grieve openly. Blogging definitely helped me that there was a time and a place to do it. And that's what I did a lot after placement and I think that helped me to get out of that rut.

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