Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Questions are Answered! Q # 14

***** dec 2010-it has been one year now since these answers were collected, there are still many more questions/answers that i have waiting to post! as always, please comment, and click on the label to see the past questions/answers that were posted thru-ought 2010! adoption luvs and happy new year ~birthMOM*****please note. not all of the fonts might have properly copied from word to track the author of the question from the list. 

Answers from the lovely birthmothers:
Note – not every birthmother has answered every single question, please match the fonts to know whose response you are reading!

if you would like to answers any of the questions please do so in the comment section and be sure to leave the number of the question that is being answered.

Stefanie     http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/
Megan  http://angryoctopusstudios.blogspot.com/
Alyssa       one of our guest bloggers
Anna      http://annamaryk.blogspot.com
Jennilee     one of our guest bloggers
Amanda     http://travisandamandarosemans.blogspot.com/
Nicole    http://lifeafterfirstmom.blogspot.com/
Kelsey    http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/
Andee      http://anabananandee.blogspot.com/
Janessa     http://scottandjanessa.blogspot.com/
Shanna    one of our blog author
14. does the hurt and pain ever go away? maybe when they turn 18 and the aparents cant keep you from them any more?
You are always going to have your moments, I had a few while pregnant with my first child after marriage and I do now during my current pregnancy.  Anna’s birthday is always a little hard.  You just have to focus all your energy on school, work and things that make you happy and soon enough you won’t be so sad anymore.  It’s very healthy to move on, you’ll never forget but it’s imperative to move on. Pray for strength everyday, God will give it to you if you ask.

My adoptive family is not keeping Olivia hostage at all. They want me to come visit her as much as I want. They're coming out here and letting me see her. I'm still in the very early stages of it all since I only placed two months ago. It comes and goes but at least she's not out of my life forever. It gets easier every time that I see her.

I'm 16 months in and it still hurts almost as bad as it did a year ago, and that's with quite a bit of openness.

The hurt and pain does go away. Get involved with school, travel, find new friends, and talk with other birthmothers. It does help. The busier you are, the better you will feel. Then, too, you might find someone and settle down and get married. Having a baby after I was married was truly the greatest thing for me. It was hard, because it brought out a lot of the feelings that I had been suppressing, but it gave me something else to think about and someone else to take care of.

everyone grieves differently. Some take longer some feel okay faster. I placed 5 years ago and it doesn’t hurt anymore. I have an open adoption. I had a rough first year. I would say I was an emotional basket case. Each year has gotten easier for me. I love my son and miss him but it doesn’t hurt anymore. I celebrate his life and how my experience changed my life.

The hurt and pain doesn't go away, but it does mellow out and not be as intense over time. There are days where almost 3 yrs later I get the "baby blues" and I know with all my heart it was the right thing to do. Make sure before placement you make firm boundaires in what you want, and what the A-parents expect...how open or closed?

No, I do not think the hurt or pain ever really goes away.  I think it gets less fresh over time, but adoption for the birth mom doesn’t really feel good unless you have contact with your child and can see how your choice has given them a great life.  My adoption was closed and I did not feel “happy” about the placement until I found out about my son when he was 16.  Once I knew where he was and that he was ok, I was glad for my choice.  Hopefully these days anyone placing will not have to wait that long to see the positives in their choice.  Then and only then can you begin the process of healing.

I recently wrote an article for Tapestry Books that deals with this very subject. The hurt does not ever go away. I have been a birth mother for almost twenty years and I can honestly tell you that the pain is unbearable at times. However, as time passed my feelings of pain, guilt and grief were replaced by a great sense of pride. I have had many years to heal and have made some amazing revealations about myself in the process. It is a long, hard road to healing that kind of heartache, but if you are patient and believe in yourself you too will feel the pride of knowing you gave a family the start that they needed.

We have open adoption so I can visit her. My pain/loss is still in me but i am trying to deal with it and I do have joy that she is happy and has a daddy which I could not give her with her birthtaher; it is bittersweet

I don’t think the pain will ever completely go away.  One of the hardest parts of placing is the fact that you are giving a part of you to someone else. My little girl is literally always going to have a piece of my heart.  That piece that she has, has left a hole.  That hole can never be replaced, but I can learn to live without it.  It’s like when you lose a leg.  That leg is never going to grow back, but you learn to live without it.  I feel like that is kind of how it is with placing.  So no, I don’t think it goes away completely, but I think it is less severe.

I’m only seven months in… and it definitely hasn’t gone away.  It has changed drastically, though.  I think the answer to that question would be different for everyone.  I’m also in an open adoption, so I know that changes things, too.

I don't think the hurt can ever go away entirely, because you have lost a part of you. Although my adoption is open and I can visit, etc, she still isn't 'mine' anymore & doesn't call me mom. So, I have definitely lost that and cannot ever get it back, so that hurt doesn't go away. But I think you can definitely turn the pain into something positive. I have hard times when there is a lot of pain, but for the most part I get to focus on the happiness of her and her family. I made a scary situation turn into a great, healthy situation for her. I don't regret it, but it does hurt. I have accepted that it will hurt & that its 'ok' to not always be 'ok.'

It has been 22 months, and I still miss her very much.  I still cry for her from time to time. But for the majority, I am happy that she is happy.  Receiving pictures and keeping up with the adoptive family on facebook is helpful for me.

You will always remember the hurt and pain from this experience, and it will sneak up on you as an emotional wave down the road at times, but the thing is, it's not really the hurt and pain going away as much as it is learning to cope and understand it. It can be similarly related to learning to cope with the death of a loved one. There will always be days of the year that will trigger memories, but eventually, with time, you'll be able to better face those days, and think of those memories, without the hurt affecting you so hard. But this can also depend on your situation, I think.


Bean Sprouts said...

14. does the hurt and pain ever go away? maybe when they turn 18 and the aparents cant keep you from them any more?

No, it doesn't ever go away. You just learn to cope with the feelings. I'm able to move on with my life, and function as a normal person again but my heart was broken when I had to place my daugther, and it will never fully heal. I don't cry as often, and I don't feel depressed as often as I did 7.5 years ago, but it still hurts.

Maryann said...

14. does the hurt and pain ever go away? maybe when they turn 18 and the aparents cant keep you from them anymore?

Almost 18 years into it.... it doesn't go away. It changes by the year. Some years are hard, some years are easy. I smile when I see comments that say after 2 years it doesn't hurt anymore or after 5 years it doesn't hurt anymore.
I had years like that where I thought I was done and I had mourned enough, but as time passes I find I am wrong.
Out of no where comes a wave of uncontrollable grief and it is the next stage in working through loss.
The mind is an amazing thing. It allows you to work through the grief one part at a time, maybe even as you are ready (although you don't always feel ready initially)
When they turn 18? I don't know, but I had a moment of hope yesterday when I woke up and realized she will be 18 in 4 1/2 months. In 2011 she could request the info from the file I have left there for her.

jessi1 said...

I dont know what to tell you since i have only gave my little girl up 3 months ago but i have a wonderful relationship with her family and its open. But teh thing is she is sick and has to get heart surgery and now this where im starting to feel it. i think it may go away the feeling to some assent but wont completely ever go away. i hope it get better for all of us. I get to see her when she has it and i am glad that may put me at some ease

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